Happy April Everyone!
So I was inspired to write today’s
blog by a trip I took a few weeks ago. As I mulled through the airport terminal
and had the (always lovely) virtual strip search by security I began to get
nostalgic. In my “fat girl” past airports were something to fear, especially if
I was embarking on a trip by myself. My
level of anxiety would always peak with the initial boarding call, and would
continue until I had safely reached my destination. Those experiences played through my head as I
boarded my flight and took my seat next to the window. The emotion of this
particular day was not the same as those of yesteryear but for some passengers I
could see similar turmoil and anxiety creep upon their faces. I studied them
while they slowly secured their items in overhead bins and quietly whispered into
the ears of the nearest flight attendant. I knew that feeling, lived that experience,
and wore that worry on many occasions. It was what I like to refer to as being obese
(by society’s standards) on a plane otherwise known as B.O.O.P (forgive me for
not providing a more descriptive title but I feel that one will suffice).
B.O.O.P had been a part of my life
for many years. I was well traveled as a kid and teenager, which is essentially
where B.O.O.P developed and began to take its toll on me. The process was the same; it started with the
agonizing journey to my seat, especially if the option to select a seat wasn’t
available. I can remember hoping that I
was sitting next to someone who was really little so that I wouldn’t make them uncomfortable. The worst part was always the seat belt
fiasco. Trying to maneuver and reposition my girth in order to officially
secure myself into the seat. The strain of pulling and tugging on the seat belt
in hopes that by some magical miracle it would fit without further hassle. Finally the embarrassing tasks of calling the
flight attendant to humbly and quietly request a seat belt extension only to
have them shout out my request for all around me to clearly overhear. I can recall
the ubiquitous stares, whispers and judgments of the other passengers who wore
their thoughts squarely on their faces. “I
hope she’s not sitting next to me”, “Back away from the table fatty”, “Go on a
diet” were all the thoughts that I was positive coursed through their brains.
Needless to say I grew to loathe flying. In addition to flying several other activities
began to highlight the fact that, as I was getting bigger, my options and surroundings
were getting smaller. Amusement parks roller coasters which were once my
favorite pass time were now a no go. It only took one embarrassing mishap where
the lap bar was unable to securely close for me to give up going to them
completely for the next 15 years. Movie
theaters, concerts, sporting events, you name it, I was too big to actively and
comfortably enjoy it. All these things raced through my head as I sat in my
window seat on the plane, clicked and tightened my seat belt, and watched a
woman come take the aisle seat next to me without incident.
As we began to depart I felt the sting of
tears roll down my face. I was crying partially out of joy and partially out of
unbelievable pain. I began to think about my little triumphs and
accomplishments on this journey that meant so much to me, but in the grand
scheme of things were minuscule to others.
Clicking the seat belt on the plane without the need for an extension
was a BIG deal. Crossing my legs comfortably for the first time was a BIG deal.
Riding every roller coaster at Magic Mountain for the first time since I was 15
years of age was a BIG deal. Clicking the seat belt in the car without
searching under my rolls for the connection, walking without getting winded,
dropping it like it’s hot, tying my shoes without suffocating and trying on clothes and having to go back to
search for a smaller size were all HUGE accomplishments for me. They were
things that people who were not overweight tended to take for granted. The
small things, that brought tears to my eyes and made me respect and cherish the
opportunity to live my life anew. I was taken aback by these feelings as the
airplane I was in reached its cruising altitude. Looking out my window I
realized that I was seeing the world with brand new eyes. Truly living without
limits, taking care of myself and my temple, and helping others believe in
their ability to do the same. I stared out the window content with the little
things, and excited about the possibilities. Beauty, Lace and a Slimmer Waist! J
~B~
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