Inner Struggles......

 

 

So as I start the first blog of this month (sorry yawl been a bit tumultuous lately) I think back to an episode of Wendy Williams that I saw some months ago (How YOU doin’ Wendy!) where she was talking to journalist and host Al Roker. Al was discussing his habits and quirks since having weight loss surgery and he talked about something that put my crazy meter on pause. He discussed carrying a scale EVERYWHERE he goes because of his constant fear of regaining the weight he’s worked so hard to lose. He talked about weighing himself multiple times a day and night and about how nutty it is to be so concerned with progress or lack thereof.  I immediately started crying because I knew about that feeling all too well.

Weight, for many of us whom have had a lifelong “friendship” with it, is something we always think about. We all go through bouts of trying to lose it, hating it, crying about it, and then making peace with it (i.e.  If god wanted me skinny he would have made me that way). On the contrary when you embark on a weight loss journey (whether it be au natural or through other mean like surgery) weight essentially becomes your life. You work at losing, change your diet, exercise, and life style and once results are seen you are either motivated to continue or u get comfortable and complacent and halt your progress.  In some respects you figure (well most figure) that after surgery your work is over. Those of us living the experience are well aware however that after the knife is where the work begins.

I believe the episode of Wendy Williams struck a chord with me because I too utilize the scale on a consistent basis. Especially now that my weight loss progress has slowed, and my body and metabolism have caught up to one another. I find that if the scale says I’m up a pound or two I tend to feel a bit discouraged, depressed, and defeated. I start thinking the worst things like: Did I stretch my pouch? Have I reversed all the hard work I’ve done by eating that pickle? And other nonsensical things that stem from my constant insecurity about weight. It’s at those times that I remember only PART of this process is physical the rest of it (I’ll say a good 60 percent) is mental.

 We all have heard stories about people who have had the surgery that have (over time) regained the weight. Many of us think to ourselves “how could someone go through this and gain it all back?”  The answer is not simple, but it does have a lot to do with the unhealthy relationship many of us had with food prior to having surgery. I, just like many of you, have times where I want to eat certain non-healthy items.  I try not to deprive myself, but rather make healthier choices for long term success. I work out quite a bit (which is harder now since I have a back injury) in order to continue to mold my body into what I would like it to be. My goal is NOT to be skinny, but healthy and comfortable in my own skin.

Like Al Roker I am guilty of weighing myself constantly (about twice a week mornings and nights). There is a huge part of me that feels like at any moment I could screw all this up and balloon back up to 300 plus pounds.  That feeling is sometimes hard to cope with. That fear of going backwards after making so much progress is utterly debilitating.  Despite this I forge ahead with a bigger picture in mind. I owe it to myself to live the best life I can and be the best me I can be. In that respect I know that I must continue to put real effort into maintaining my progress, even when it gets hard. I refuse to go backwards simply because it hinders me from going forward.  I share this with you guys because I’m certain others feel this way. Sometimes no one understands but those of us whom have gone through it. If you feel this way at times I encourage you to share it …with your friends, family, heck even me if you feel they can’t or won’t understand.  This process is hard enough by itself, but it makes it easier to feel like someone, somewhere understands just what you’re going through. Trust me, I do! Until next time my loves …Beauty, Lace and a Slimmer Waist.

~B~

Got a comment or a question?  Leave it here or hit me up:

 

Sistersinsurgery00@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/shehotta

Here today ...Well...you know the rest....

 

Hey guys, so a friend asked me to tackle a subject that maybe close to a lot of your hearts. It’s happened to me in some way, shape or form and I’m sure I’m not alone in this experience. In going along on this weight loss journey many of you understand the joy and jubilation of dropping substantial amounts of weight. You get a new sense of purpose, a sense of freedom and ultimately a new beginning. For many of us this experience usually runs in tandem to with another type of loss that isn’t quite as enjoyable.

 When you change (physically, emotionally or spiritually) you tend to see things differently in your everyday life. You are inclined to see people differently as well. All of a sudden friends, love ones, significant others, spouses, life partners and even family look, act, sound, and appear different. Sometimes we can chalk this up to outgrowing one another, or even being in different places in our lives. However in many cases the reasons for these changes are simple and devastating. I’ve had several people express to me that since their journey began (whether through weight loss surgery or the good old fashioned way) they’ve lost friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and family members and most times it’s through no fault of their own. Sure it does a body (and mind) good to drop 15, 20 even 30 pounds to take a step towards a healthier lifestyle. On the contrary when the weight loss is a staggering 50 plus pounds and you transform into a whole new person people’s true feelings tend to creep to the surface. As your waistline shrinks undoubtedly so does your inner circle, and for some of us the realization that these people NEVER really had our best interest at heart is demoralizing.

 

You want nothing more than to celebrate your accomplishments and triumphs with those you love, but what happens when those who are supposed to be in your corner leaving you standing alone? Speaking bluntly, tell them to KICK ROCKS! Period! I made the best decision ever before I embarked on my journey. I prayed to GOD that he remove ALL those who were not conducive to my progress, sanity, positivity or lifestyle. I asked him to limit my circle to those who truly cared about me and my well-being. It hurt to lose friends, loved ones, and a significant other but I gained so much more in return. I gained a true since of support and love and a whole heap of it came from people I LEAST expected. I was blessed to have true friends and loved ones in my corner, but I’m aware that this is not the case for others in my position. Let’s keep it real…jealousy is a cruel beast. Not everyone is good or good for you and sometimes those you live and lay with can hurt you the most! Examples of some situations you should RUN from:

·         As a couple you embark on a weight loss journey together, he/she loses a lot but you don’t and then you start looking into surgery options and he/she is against it?

·         They are supportive of your initial decision, but once they see your results they change for the worse (emotionally, mentally, physically abusive or unsupportive)?

·         You were the life of the party as the funny FAT one and now the invitations have subsided?

·         You are totally into the lifestyle change but they do things to deter or alter your course (i.e. food choices, workouts)?

·         They were NOT there when you were larger and now that you are smaller they have a whole lot they want to say, do and prove (don’t believe the hype)?

 I despise the superficial and artificial but often we don't see these things and people for who and what they are. At the end of the day the decision for change should be solely fueled by a WANT or even a NEED to change, because this is really a life or death decision. The real work begins after the cuts and incisions are made. If you were pushed to embark on this journey for other reasons (vanity, popularity, insanity) I question the effectiveness of your results and I strongly urge you to look to yourself for the real reasons for your decision. True enough support from my TEAM (God, friends, family, the bariatric center, doctors, staff, and loved ones) was KEY IN MY SUCCESS.  I truly understand that I could not have made it this far without them. Although I have been met with disappointment and loss due to my decision I take solace in the fact that those people were simply not meant to be a part of my journey. I’m on a mission for me myself and I.  I spent 28 years in the wrong damn body, and I refuse to be trapped for the rest of my life. I implore you to make whatever you feel is the right decision for you. You have to live with the results, regrets, or consequences. Until next time my loves …Beauty, Lace and a Slimmer Waist.

~B~

Got a comment or a question?  Leave it here or hit me up:

 

Sistersinsurgery00@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/shehotta

It's the LITTLE things!!

Happy April Everyone! 

So I was inspired to write today’s blog by a trip I took a few weeks ago. As I mulled through the airport terminal and had the (always lovely) virtual strip search by security I began to get nostalgic. In my “fat girl” past airports were something to fear, especially if I was embarking on a trip by myself.  My level of anxiety would always peak with the initial boarding call, and would continue until I had safely reached my destination.  Those experiences played through my head as I boarded my flight and took my seat next to the window. The emotion of this particular day was not the same as those of yesteryear but for some passengers I could see similar turmoil and anxiety creep upon their faces. I studied them while they slowly secured their items in overhead bins and quietly whispered into the ears of the nearest flight attendant. I knew that feeling, lived that experience, and wore that worry on many occasions.  It was what I like to refer to as being obese (by society’s standards) on a plane otherwise known as B.O.O.P (forgive me for not providing a more descriptive title but I feel that one will suffice).  

B.O.O.P had been a part of my life for many years. I was well traveled as a kid and teenager, which is essentially where B.O.O.P developed and began to take its toll on me.  The process was the same; it started with the agonizing journey to my seat, especially if the option to select a seat wasn’t available.  I can remember hoping that I was sitting next to someone who was really little so that I wouldn’t make them uncomfortable.  The worst part was always the seat belt fiasco. Trying to maneuver and reposition my girth in order to officially secure myself into the seat. The strain of pulling and tugging on the seat belt in hopes that by some magical miracle it would fit without further hassle.  Finally the embarrassing tasks of calling the flight attendant to humbly and quietly request a seat belt extension only to have them shout out my request for all around me to clearly overhear. I can recall the ubiquitous stares, whispers and judgments of the other passengers who wore their thoughts squarely on their faces.  “I hope she’s not sitting next to me”, “Back away from the table fatty”, “Go on a diet” were all the thoughts that I was positive coursed through their brains.  

 Needless to say I grew to loathe flying.  In addition to flying several other activities began to highlight the fact that, as I was getting bigger, my options and surroundings were getting smaller. Amusement parks roller coasters which were once my favorite pass time were now a no go. It only took one embarrassing mishap where the lap bar was unable to securely close for me to give up going to them completely for the next 15 years.  Movie theaters, concerts, sporting events, you name it, I was too big to actively and comfortably enjoy it. All these things raced through my head as I sat in my window seat on the plane, clicked and tightened my seat belt, and watched a woman come take the aisle seat next to me without incident.  
 

As we began to depart I felt the sting of tears roll down my face. I was crying partially out of joy and partially out of unbelievable pain. I began to think about my little triumphs and accomplishments on this journey that meant so much to me, but in the grand scheme of things were minuscule to others.  Clicking the seat belt on the plane without the need for an extension was a BIG deal. Crossing my legs comfortably for the first time was a BIG deal. Riding every roller coaster at Magic Mountain for the first time since I was 15 years of age was a BIG deal. Clicking the seat belt in the car without searching under my rolls for the connection, walking without getting winded, dropping it like it’s hot, tying my shoes without suffocating  and trying on clothes and having to go back to search for a smaller size were all HUGE accomplishments for me. They were things that people who were not overweight tended to take for granted. The small things, that brought tears to my eyes and made me respect and cherish the opportunity to live my life anew. I was taken aback by these feelings as the airplane I was in reached its cruising altitude. Looking out my window I realized that I was seeing the world with brand new eyes. Truly living without limits, taking care of myself and my temple, and helping others believe in their ability to do the same. I stared out the window content with the little things, and excited about the possibilities. Beauty, Lace and a Slimmer Waist! J

~B~ 

Got a comment or a question?  Leave it here or hit me up:  

Sistersinsurgery00@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/shehotta
 

The “Mental” Weight Loss Debacle

Hey guys! So this week’s topic came from conversations with friends and family regarding the actual process of weight loss and how society tends to play “mind games” geared towards convincing us that losing weight and sustaining it is easy. Case in point the recent “Biggest Loser” winners.  Or the extreme weight loss makeover edition candidates, or how about your favorite actress, actor or performer? They make this shit look easy don’t they?   The selling point is that at the end of their runs their bodies look so freaking incredible that they inspire the laziest of us to rise to the occasion, hop on the nearest treadmill, sweat, pant and starve until our bodies are too sore to actively participate. Is it healthy? Probably not, but it is done every day without hesitation on the quest to become healthy or to simply drop a few unwanted pounds.  

Let’s break down these scenarios and get to the root of why all the above stated “players” succeed at this weight loss game and make you look like the couch potato that you aren’t. First and foremost the routines that are given to the people on these “amazing” weight loss shows are UNREALISTIC. They work out between 8 and 10 hours a day to drop those 100’s of pounds, and, they are in a place where temptation is NOT a part of daily life.

 They don't have friends or family around to tempt them or to cook for. Fast food joints and quick fixes are not at their disposal and they are around others like themselves for months at a time in order to accomplish the same goal. In addition they have personal trainers at their beck and call all day every day.  They also learn how to prepare meals that are healthier options then they’ve previously experienced. Finally (the part that most may not realize) before partaking in their big reveals they have plastic surgery to tighten the loose skin that hangs from their arms, legs and stomachs so that we (the general public) are convinced that “normal” diet and exercise can warrant that kind of perfection after losing 100 plus pounds.  Nothing about what happens on our television screens is normal. Thus the game begins.

With our superstars it’s slightly different. Depending on the kind of star we’re discussing their schedule can allow them ample time to work out on a daily basis. Again we’re talking anywhere between 2 and 6 hours here people. In addition if they dance or use choreography they may spend an additional 3 to 4 hours working those sweet spots.  They also have lots of tools you DON’T have to get them through everyday life: black cards, chefs, trainers, nannies, maids, stylist, and make-up artist that assist them in getting into tip top shape for roles and or performances.

These things definitely contribute to the weight loss mind game that many of us play with ourselves on a daily basis. We figure “if they can do it, why can’t I?” The answer is simple you CAN, however your journey might be a tad bit different. Without the luxuries of a maid and a chef real life sometimes has a way of kicking your ass. For some of us between working, cooking, cleaning, being parents, wives, husbands, and friends it becomes hard to make time for oneself.  My advice, do what you love, whether it be an hour on a treadmill or my personal favorite dancing.  Just do it! Get up get out and get to it. Trust and believe just because I’ve had surgery doesn’t mean my journey stops,  in fact it means that I have to work even harder to ensure that my fat evil twin NEVER resurfaces. Bring a friend, bring your boo or the whole family! Take a class, learn a sport just get your big butts up and get to it. Stop playing that weight loss mind game and create your own victory. I believe in you….. Beauty, lace and a slimmer waist J

~B~

Got a comment or a question?  Leave it here or hit me up: 

Sistersinsurgery00@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/shehotta

You Cheated!! You Took The Easy Way Out! Easy For Who?

        So as I approached my rebirth day (or my surgery anniversary) I was going over the many issues I came across with how others viewed my decision to have surgery. Despite being blessed with a wonderful  group of friends, family and co-workers who provided nothing but positive remarks about my decision I was met with the naysayers and haters who were intent on making me feel remiss about my decision. I had quite a few people remark as to how I was choosing the easy way out, or suggesting that maybe I should try other options.

Those who knew me best knew the roller-coaster of diet mania that I was a privy too since I was a child (we’re talking like ten years old folks). Weight watchers (I watched it go down, and right back up) Jenny Craig (Jenny Comedy-cause I didn’t drop a pound) grapefruit diets, the soup diet, the cayenne pepper concoction that makes you see stars because you aren’t getting any food but you’re convinced that it’ll be worth it? Yea those were just a few, not to mention the pills popped, the frozen (disgusting meals) labeled in your grocer’s freezer as “lean” or any part of “cuisine”. I tried it all people! Not to mention all the pills popped, the supplements taken, the calories counted, and the endless exercise videos purchased only to eventually collect dust in the corner of my workout area.  Despite not getting anywhere with these methods I had still had the freedom to decide what I wanted to do with my body. If I worked hard all week and wanted a cookie (or 5) on the weekend then I could do so. If I wanted to reward myself with a greasy hamburger from the local hamburger stand I could do that too!  On the contrary AFTER surgery none of that was feasible. 

      I keep in mind that anyone who remarks that going through this process is EASY has never experienced dumping syndrome (your body’s way of telling you “I DON’T LIKE IT, GET IT OUT OF ME!). Nor have they experienced the pleasure of your whole entire pallet for food consumption completely changing, in other words now you eat it, now you don’t! In addition they have never experienced a blockage the immensely painful feeling you get when a piece of food (usually in my case chicken which I love) gets stuck in your opening and forces its way back out.  Sound easy to you? Trust me it isn’t and anytime I’ve experienced anyone of these things, my recovery has taken anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour. I guess “easy” is in the eye of the beholder right?

        For me my decision was more about longevity, sustainability, and changing my life and less about vanity or ease. It was taking my life into my own hands and deciding whether or not having this surgery (which could have killed me) was worth the risk of not getting up off that table. It was a decision, a commitment to ensure that I never returned to my 300lb uncomfortable, obese frame and I live with the regrets and benefits of my decision daily. I remember my first few weeks of recovery questioning myself and my decision. Wondering why I chose to put myself through all that pain just to make a difference. With every horrible protein shake I consumed I thought to myself “bitch you could have been eating chili cheese pastrami fries right now”! I say all that to say that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t made that decision. Who knows, I might have continued down the path to diabetes or something worse. I might have continued to be outwardly comfortable with my weight while inwardly struggling with my body image. I might have continued to be trapped in a life that was far from living.

          Despite having restrictions, I wouldn’t change my decision for the world for one simple reason, because it was MY decision. I did it for me, not friends, family, attention, or praise. I did it because it was time for me to take control of my body, my habits and MY LIFE! Truth is I couldn’t be happier. What about you?  Are you unhappy in your skin? Did you make a decision, but you’re struggling with your results? Are you contemplating making a change in your life, but scared of what other’s may think, do, or say?  Why? Feel free to comment, email, or share!  Until next week my sisters! Beauty, Lace, and a Slimmer Waist J

Sistersinsurgery00@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/shehotta

~B~

Welcome, Glad You Found Me!

Hey,

So it's by no accident that you've come across my own personal blog about myself, my journey and other useful information in regards to weight loss surgery. The whole reason this was created is essentially to provide others (especially those of us whom are minorities) a place where we can discuss, question, and learn about the whole entire weight loss surgery journey that we have either already embarked on, or maybe considering. I myself went through the process on February 28, 2011. As of today I've lost about 106 lbs and I'm continuing to attempt to make better life altering choices i order to maintain my weight loss accomplishments. When I began this journey two years ago there was very little information about others like myself (my age, ethnicity) whom had successfully gone through the process. By the grace of god, and due to some carefully placed face book messages I found others like myself who served as my guides on my journey. At that point I became aware of the great necessity for that type of information to be readily available at the click of a mouse. To date so many have reached out to me in an effort to seek information on  the issues and dilemmas regarding weight loss surgery. I have served as a virtual mentor, confidant, and cheer leader for those just like me. I am in essence attempting to provide them with something I really did not have. That is the purpose of this blog in addition to the Los Angeles based support group I'll be creating called Sisters in Surgery, or S.I.S. Since the topic is so taboo and often forces the masses to hide their choice for fear of ridicule, or judgement I wanted to embark on a course with others like myself  to gather, talk, cry, party, share, and discuss EVERY thing that goes on as a result of this life change. I can't wait to gather the first meeting of my "Sisters" so that they can meet one another and so the festivities can commence. I have big plans for this group, and this blog space. I will be providing information on types of surgery and expectations, doctors, insurance issues, recipes, and my own personal triumphs and downfalls in order to help many of you understand and or push through your experiences. I hope you guys are ready :-)


~B~